I once heard someone say, ‘if you have never failed, you have never lived.’ Surely I couldn’t understand what that all meant at the time I heard it. I mean, who wants to fail, right? I definitely didn’t want to fail. I wanted and still want to succeed. I want to live a life that’s worthy of me and exit this side of eternity knowing I did all I could do. There was a challenge however. I had no idea what success looked like. I had assumed it was having a vast amount of money, a number of cars, a specific occupation (like being a doctor), fancy cloths, shoes, bags and what not. I had assumed having all these things meant one was successful. What was worse, I had no idea how to get these things or be a successful person so I settled into the life that had been defined for me. I went to school, read a few books, came out a lawyer. I do remember times as a kid when I would stand in front of my mirror with my comb in my hand doing my version of Mariah Carey’s ‘always be my baby.‘ *sigh* Fun times. I actually thought I was going to be a model or a singer on an actress but somewhere between dreams and reality I had to ‘grow up.’
I tried to be an adult. I tried to settle into a 9-5er. I tried to be stable in my relationships with the intention of bagging me a husband. I tried to do things my friends and family liked so I would be accepted and loved for all time. I tried to silence the voice of my passion. Heck, I even tried to look like a serious person. I tried and tried and tried but it still wasn’t enough. I had a hole in my being, something in me was broken and needed more than a quick fix. Some deep pit that none of these was filling. At some point I even tried to bribe God that if He made the void I felt go away, I’d be a good girl forever.
All of these failed.
Woefully!!!
At some point I left the Country to go pursue a Masters degree. Not that I had any interest in furthering my education, but another engagement had failed and I wanted to run away from it all. While away studying, I was introduced to a new kind of life. I met all sorts of people, fascinating people. People who were living life like they wanted, doing what they wanted. A strange shift began to happen for me. I was, for the first time, questioning everything I believed. I was asking what Ese really wanted. I was realizing that success meant and looked different for everyone. Before all of those thoughts could crystalize, I was back in Nigeria. Back to the rat race. Back to ‘keeping up with the Joneses.’
Mummy said I needed to get married as my ovaries were headed toward their expiry date. Daddy said get a job that would enable you sustain yourself. Friends said, this, that and the other. All of the voices were drowning my own voice. Again, I tried to conform. This time however, that shift that had occurred won’t let me be. The more I tried to do what everyone else wanted for me, however noble their expectations, the more I felt trapped. I really wasn’t comfortable with it all. I couldn’t deal. They said my life had failed and that I was stuck. That most of my friends were having their babies and I was watching my life parade by.
The strangest thing was, I didn’t feel like my life had failed at all. OK. admittedly there were days when I wanted to curl up under the bed and cry, but most in general, I was happy to finally say I had no interest in visiting court rooms anymore. I really did not want to spend another second of my life waking up to a job I hated. I wasn’t sure at the time where I wanted to work but I was sure of what bored me to tears and I was done with it. Doing that five days in week, which translated to 50hours in a week, made the weekend feel like heaven. The whole TGIF was a declaration of some sort of freedom from the prison I subjected myself to for the most part of the week. This was my life I was looking at. I needed to get the heck out because there’s no way in hell, I would spend the best waking hours of my life doing something I hated just so I can ‘sustain’ myself or have a great answer to the question ‘what do you do?‘ I definitely wasn’t going to get caught up in bagging myself a husband, popping babies and passing the mantle of ‘existing without living’ to another generation. NO WAY! Not happening.
So, this is where I am now with my ‘failed‘ life. I have gotten in the driver’s seat of my life and I am beginning to steer it toward something that resembles my own definition of success. Yes, I want to make tons of cash, who doesn’t? Also, I do want to get married at some point but never again, will I put ANYONE’S thoughts or expectation of me before my expectation of my own self. A good friend once said to me, ‘you owe no one an explanation for your life except God and yourself.’ I have come to believe that to be true, given my experiences. I wont always get it right and I may need some sort of structure with regards to my working life but I will NOT do anything that my heart does not resonate with, NEVER.
I have learnt that I will fail a number of times. I will fall hard on my butt and even have people kick my when I am down but success to me, is getting up every time. Success is living a wholehearted life. Success is not forgetting to put you in the picture as you plan and live your life. Success to me is failure to a whole lot of well meaning people. I wish I could help those who care about me understand but there really isn’t time for that anymore, maybe one day they would see. In the main time, I choose to live each day like it were my last. To fully engage life and open myself up to become all that I can be. Not just for me but for future generations to see that it is possible, doable and a necessity.
I’d never be perfect but now I’m brave enough to go for what Ese really really wants. I’m brave enough to register in a music school because I love singing and rapping. I’m brave enough to keep this blog running even when I’m not sure people enjoy reading what I have to say. I’m brave enough to join Toastmasters because I want to be a better speaker and communicator. I am brave enough to date without any pressure of ‘is he the One,’ I am brave enough to show up and allow myself be seen and heard, I am brave enough to own my name each time I say ‘my name is Ese Walter,’ I am brave enough to wake up everyday and smile at the gift of another day, I am brave enough to tell another nosey relative ‘no,I am not planning a wedding yet,‘ I am brave enough to love myself with my flaws and all, I am brave enough to dare to dream and take baby steps in fulfilling that dream.
My name is Ese Walter and this is a toast to my successful life
Source Ese Walter
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